challenging and ever-changing work environment. Candidates must possess
excellent communication skills and be willing to adopt a G-rated vocabulary.
Applicants must also trade any existing sports vehicles in for a “babe”
repelling, baby-friendly minivan.
up on kids and getting to the bottom of who ate the rest of the cookies hidden
on the top shelf behind the canned goods.
Job entails challenging, exciting work with occasional elements of repetition
and monotony. (For instance playing Candy
Land 1,000 times, teaching the ABC’s and repeating ad nauseam “remember to turn off the lights.”)
even if told “You don’t know anything.”
to start a barbecue, fix broken bikes and appliances, figure out what is wrong
with the computer and enough energy left over to read Go
Dog Go for the 117th time.
hear: “That’s not the way mommy does
it.””
resolution and crisis management. Having the wisdom of Solomon is a plus.
kids artwork and toys from junk mail, garbage, and science projects.
outgoing products in an equitable manner to avoid hearing “He got more than
me!”
Must be able to sell kids on why the $20 pair of shoes is actually much
better than the $80 pair. Job also
entails door-to-door selling of raffle tickets and cookies as you become known
as “Mr. Fundraiser.”
Willingness to be hated until teen needs $5 or permission to go
somewhere.
your arms feel like they will fall off. Legs must be strong enough to climb up
snowy hills while pulling a full sled.
You must also posses “faster-than-a-speeding bullet” speed, in case the
screams coming from the back yard be an actual emergency.
actual appearance, your children will be so convinced that you are the tallest,
strongest Dad in the neighborhood that they will actually challenge other kids’
fathers to fights. Be ready.
essential (usually for ear infections that didn’t seem so critical during
daylight hours.) Also, will be called on
for occasional carpooling. Travel may include
overnight camping trips to mosquito-infested Scout camps and an infinite number
of sporting events beginning with Pee Wee- something or other. No reimbursement for mileage or expenses
incurred.
not make up answers to questions such as: Why do you have hair growing out of
your ears and, why is our cat having babies?
Additional expertise will be learned later from Chinese product
instruction sheets explaining how to assemble cheap and very breakable toys.
This will prepare you for the challenge of one day figuring out hand-held video
games, kids’ computer programs and ipods.
As child progresses parenting classes available for learning teen jargon and
screening music and movies for appropriateness.
You begin at the pinnacle of your career. During the teen years, you will actually be
demoted. By the time you are a
grandfather, you will be able to climb back up on your pedestal.
cool stuff that all the other kids have.
lifetime supply of hugs and the joy of grandchildren.