Wanted: Father

Job Description Long term (as in lifetime) position in
challenging and ever-changing work environment. Candidates must possess
excellent communication skills and be willing to adopt a G-rated vocabulary.
Applicants must also trade any existing sports vehicles in for a “babe”
repelling, baby-friendly minivan.

Some undercover work necessary such as checking
up on kids and getting to the bottom of who ate the rest of the cookies hidden
on the top shelf behind the canned goods.
Job entails challenging, exciting work with occasional elements of repetition
and monotony. (For instance playing Candy
Land 1,000 times, teaching the ABC’s and repeating ad nauseam “remember to turn off the lights.”)

Qualifications Unconditional love
even if told “You don’t know anything.”

Infinite patience. Especially after a long day’s work when asked
to start a barbecue, fix broken bikes and appliances, figure out what is wrong
with the computer and enough energy left over to read Go
Dog Go for the 117th time.

Humility. Essential for all the times you will
hear: “That’s not the way mommy does
it.””

Strong skills in negotiating, conflict
resolution and crisis management. Having the wisdom of Solomon is a plus.

Keen organization skills necessary to separate
kids artwork and toys from junk mail, garbage, and science projects.

Accounting skills: Must balance petty cash disbursements and
outgoing products in an equitable manner to avoid hearing “He got more than
me!”

Salesmanship:
Must be able to sell kids on why the $20 pair of shoes is actually much
better than the $80 pair. Job also
entails door-to-door selling of raffle tickets and cookies as you become known
as “Mr. Fundraiser.”

Physical requirements Very thick skin.
Willingness to be hated until teen needs $5 or permission to go
somewhere.

Physical endurance. Stamina to push swings until
your arms feel like they will fall off. Legs must be strong enough to climb up
snowy hills while pulling a full sled.
You must also posses “faster-than-a-speeding bullet” speed, in case the
screams coming from the back yard be an actual emergency.

Height and looks unimportant. Regardless of your
actual appearance, your children will be so convinced that you are the tallest,
strongest Dad in the neighborhood that they will actually challenge other kids’
fathers to fights. Be ready.

Travel requirements Late night trips to the emergency room
essential (usually for ear infections that didn’t seem so critical during
daylight hours.) Also, will be called on
for occasional carpooling. Travel may include
overnight camping trips to mosquito-infested Scout camps and an infinite number
of sporting events beginning with Pee Wee- something or other. No reimbursement for mileage or expenses
incurred.

Technical experience Broad base of knowledge helpful so you need
not make up answers to questions such as: Why do you have hair growing out of
your ears and, why is our cat having babies?
Additional expertise will be learned later from Chinese product
instruction sheets explaining how to assemble cheap and very breakable toys.
This will prepare you for the challenge of one day figuring out hand-held video
games, kids’ computer programs and ipods.

Language requirements Understanding and speaking baby talk fluently.
As child progresses parenting classes available for learning teen jargon and
screening music and movies for appropriateness.

Career advancement opportunities None.
You begin at the pinnacle of your career. During the teen years, you will actually be
demoted. By the time you are a
grandfather, you will be able to climb back up on your pedestal.

Salary Not enough to buy all the
cool stuff that all the other kids have.